Emily rolled over in bed too quickly, bringing on a wave of nausea. She held her breath until it passed and then exhaled slowly. Breathing too quickly would bring it back. This was the eighth morning in a row of waking up this way. Emily knew she was either pregnant or dying and it was time to figure out which. In the bathroom she reached for a tan grocery bag on the bottom shelf that contained a pack of two home pregnancy tests. She bought them a few days ago but was hoping it would end up being a purchase made in vain. She followed the instructions, washed her hands and then waited. While waiting she didn’t allow herself to think about the “what if’s” she only focused on pregnant or not. After the correct amount of time, plus thirty seconds for good measure, she peeked at the stick: two lines. Positive. Pregnant. The second test she took came back the same. I’ve heard of false positives she thought, maybe I should go somewhere and do one of those tests just to be sure.
Back in her room she began looking for some clothes to wear. She settled for a maybe clean pair of jeans, definitely clean v-neck tee and her blue fleece. Walking through her living room there were remnants of several tasks begun but since abandoned; the deep-teal kitchen table held her transcripts and application for graduation, the couch several books she was supposed to be reading, and on the floor laid a large 6’ X 10’ stretched and primed canvas. So far her final painting as an undergrad was a white cow eating snow on a cloudy day. In the corner of the room there was a man’s ball cap. It was maroon and embroidered with VT for Virginia Tech, next to a signature scribbled in faded Sharpie. The sight of the cap drained the blood from her face and everything peaceful from her veins. She shoved it in the coat closet, under a porcelain white horse with a gold mane that, as a child, had always been on her dresser. It was one of those things that was a nursery decoration for a new baby and somehow had never been thrown out, boxed up, or given away.
Emily’s apartment was just east of downtown in progressive Decatur. She had heard there was a Women’s Health Center around somewhere and she knew they did free pregnancy tests. A quick google on her phone gave her the address of said center, as well as advertised free pregnancy testing at this location. While Emily was driving she wondered what the likelihood was of a place that offered free pregnancy tests operated by people who had taken a vow of silence. She really didn’t want to talk to anyone, nor did she want anyone talking to her. Just as the city was meeting the suburbs Emily followed a few small roads to her destination. According to her GPS she had arrived, but this didn’t look right. She was on a street with nothing but houses. This is a neighborhood, she said in her head. In the lawn of an old looking yellow house, she saw a sign that was barely bigger than the bushes around it that confirmed she was in the right place.
Emily breathed in a tense breath. She looked down at her abdomen. What will I do? She thought of Ben and anxiety filled her. Not able to sit with the angst, she left her car. Before reaching the front door of the little house, Emily reached into her pocket and slid her grandmother’s engagement ring onto her left ring finger.
Judging by the fancy camera doorbell Emily guessed this wasn’t the kind of place you just walk into. The huge lock and door knob made her uneasy; who were they trying to keep out of this place anyway? Emily rang the doorbell and someone answered through a speaker a few seconds later.
“Welcome to WHC, do you have an appointment?” the female voice asked.
“No.” Emily said. The website didn’t say anything about appointments. Emily’s thoughts came down hard. You should have thought to call and make an appointment, this is an agency. No one is going to believe you don’t need any help if you show up for a pregnancy test with no appointment. Great job handling this, Emily, really great job. As she was turning to leave, she heard the door click and unlock. Feeling so small, she opened the door and entered what she guessed was the living room when this was a house. It was probably a waiting room now. A petite young woman with blonde hair came through a door on the opposite end of the room. Emily became anxious as she realized that there were some holes in her five-second Google research via her phone.
“Hi, I’m Lindsey,” she said, putting a face to the voice from the speaker outside. Lindsey had honey-colored hair and green eyes. She was petite, just barely five feet tall. “What can we help you with today? Can I get you a bottle of water or anything? We have coke and diet, too.” She smiled eagerly and waited for Emily to answer.
“No, I’m okay, thanks though.” Emily said, answering the easier question first. “I saw online that I could get a free pregnancy test here?”
“Yep, that’s correct.” She said, temporarily relieving Emily’s anxiety. “We use the same tests that doctors’ offices use, and there is no charge. Did you want to take one today?”
“Um, yes, I do.” Emily answered. She felt like she was lying. She really didn’t want to. The question should have been “Do you need to take one today?”
“Okay no problem, I’ll let Liz know, she’ll be the one working with you. Just take a seat while I find her and get you some water, in case you need it for the test.” She smiled as she finished talking and exited the waiting room. Emily sat down on an old, dingy couch and began to absorb this house-turned-business. All of the furniture looked as though it crossed the line between antique and ancient a long time ago. The white walls were mostly bare, except for one with a few run-of-the-mill flower paintings. Emily had a theory that there was one huge warehouse filled with ordinary flower paintings in dull colors where people who decorated offices always shopped. These were no exception. A few minutes later Lindsey came back in and handed Emily a bottle of cold water and a small napkin.
“Here you go! Okay, let me go find Liz and she will be right with you.” Lindsey said. Emily didn’t have time to say thank you before Lindsey was gone again, through a doorway on the other side of the room this time. Emily’s thoughts were pulled from orthodox flower paintings to what lay ahead. Soon her anxiety was the only thing in the room. The tension started to rise from her core again. She hoped it would be distracted with a sip of water. The cold water bottle clutched in her left hand made the ring on finger even looser. It rested on her finger at an angle, two degrees from droopy. Her hand looked like that of a teenage girl imagining her engagement with her mother’s jewelry.
A slender, red haired woman emerged from the same doorway Lindsey had just gone through. “Hi Emily, my name is Liz. Why don’t you come on back and we’ll talk for a minute while you finish your water?” Liz did not wait for Emily to answer her before she turned on her heels and lead Emily back to her office.
“Nice to meet you.” Emily said. She suddenly felt hurried and stood quickly to follow Liz around the corner and into a small office.
“Sit anywhere you like, Emily,” Liz said. Emily sat in the old brown chair closest to the door. There was a little end table next to it and another old brown chair on the other side. Liz sat in a comfy looking office chair across from Emily. “Lindsey mentioned that you came in for a pregnancy test...Is that right?”
“Yes,” Emily answered. She was starting to relax a little. Maybe she wouldn’t have to divulge information and details about her life she’d rather keep pushed away. Was it because of the ring? Or did they just want to get her in and out of here as quickly as possible like a doctor’s office? Liz certainly seemed like she had stuff to do.
“If it’s alright with you, I have a few questions. It’s important to consider any reasons why the test may be inaccurate. If I ask you anything that seems too personal, please do not feel like you have to answer. Of course anything you say is confidential, and I won’t ask you anything just to prod. Okay?”
“Sure, okay.” She answered Liz’s awkward questions about cycles and contraceptives and it wasn’t long before she finished her water and was leaving a cup with her “specimen” on the counter in the bathroom across the hall. After washing her hands, she stopped to examine herself in the mirror. At first she saw a glimpse of a fairly pretty young girl who had peace behind her dark brown eyes and happiness wrapped up in her ponytail. But it was only a glimpse. She wasn’t that girl anymore. Her ponytail didn’t hold happiness, it held exhaustion, and behind her eyes there were only things she didn’t recognize. Angry with herself, she wiped her tears with her sleeve so hard that the skin around her eyes stung. She returned to the small office and saw Liz standing by her chair. Emily took her seat again.
“Let me run the test real quick and I’ll be right back, honey.” Liz said, leaving the room. Honey? Emily didn’t have Liz pegged as the “honey” type of lady but it was Georgia after all. Liz came back a few minutes later and took her seat again. “It will take about five minutes to get the results.” She said. ” Emily, can I ask you a few questions about the father?” Liz said, paying no attention to the ring on Emily’s finger. Emily’s movements ceased completely and her insides tightened, her eyes stayed fixed on the last thing she had been studying. Without meeting Liz’s eyes, Emily offered an answer she hoped would end the conversation.
“He’s just an old friend.” She said dismissively, her body still tense. That was one way of describing Ben.
“Does he know that you suspect you are pregnant?” Liz asked,
“No.” Emily crossed her legs and her arms in front of her. Liz was starting to cut a little close.
“Do you plan to tell him the results of the test?” Liz asked. Just then, the timer dinged. Liz rose from her seat, excused herself and went back to the bathroom. Emily was slightly relieved at being released from answering this question, but she knew she was not in the clear yet. There was the bigger question of the fate of her womb still in the air.
Her thoughts wandered to Ben, the man she hated to love.
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