As I approach the last year of grad school (is this real life?) and mark my one year at my current job I have lots of thoughts on working in mental health. Not in any particular order, here are 5 thoughts I have every single shift and every day at practicum:
1. Why is the world such a terrible place and why do terrible things happen to people?
There is a strong correlation between adverse life experiences and prevalence of mental illness in a person's life. Honestly sometimes the things that I hear make me want to curl up in the fetal position because it just hurts so much knowing that someone has had to experience such difficult things. Sometimes I'm just at a complete loss. Like why? Why does this have to happen? Why does it continue to happen? Will we ever be able to stop it?
2. Am I helping? Like at all?
One time one of my professors said "Therapy is such a crap chute sometimes. You never know who you help, if you help at all." I was actually very relieved to hear this, as it reflects my own experience for sure. Sometimes I get home from practicum or work and wonder if I did anything that mattered that day. It's not that I need to know for sure that I helped someone or that I need to be recognized for doing that, it's that it's important to me to both push and support my patients and my clients in the right ways. I don't always know what's right. Sometimes you just come home thinking you didn't do anything right that day and at best the world is no better off than before you came in. It's a sucky feeling.
3. What if this person doesn't make it?
I think about this a lot. By "make it" I mean in physical sense and an emotional one. Working with eating disorders (the most deadly category of mental illness) definitely introduces the idea that some of our patients will die due to the extreme stress of the disorder on their bodies. But I also mean "make it" as in be happy, have a life you want that's not hijacked by anxiety or trauma or depression or whatever it might be. To be very honest with you, this thought is the one that disturbs me the most. I have to push it out of my head and just proceed as if everyone I interact with will make it, even though I know that statistically that's unlikely. I think this is such a big thing for me because I have a lot of fear around what my life would be like if I hadn't made it to recovery. I physically wouldn't be here, and even if I was I'd be just a ball of anxiety, depression, panic, and self-loathing, Or in other words not happy in the slightest and not the least bit satisfied with my life. Nothing I would ever wish on anyone and something I'll forever be working to avoid.
4. I just want to take you home.
I think this all the time. Not about every patient and client, of course, but there are some that just tug at your heart strings. And it's not just kids either. This past school year I had a client who was older than I was and way taller, and yet I just wanted him to be mine to care for. This happens at work too. Sometimes I want to take people home with me because I feel like their families/support systems suck and I don't think their parents are even worthy of them. And I think I can do a better job supporting them. And sometimes it has nothing to do with their support system and it's just because I really love this patient/client because they have a great personality and I genuinely love being in their presence. And sometimes it's both. I think I have this fantasy that I'll take people home and everything will just be okay. Then I remember two things: 1. I can't even get myself to shower every day so I really have no business being responsible for other humans and 2. I can only give what I can give, and what I can give is enough even though I often want to give more. And I also know that doing this, even if I could, would likely not solve any problems.
5. Am I going to be able to do this?
Kind of in the same vein as #3, I often wonder if I can handle this. I especially wonder this on the hard days or days where triggering things are happening. I wonder about my own recovery and if I'll be able to maintain it. How will the stress from work affect me? Have I worked my own stuff enough to be able to be present for others as they work through their stuff? What do I need to be okay doing this work? What are the indicators that I need to ask for help? And how will I do this and who will I ask? What are the consequences of ignoring my cues? While I'm at work/practicum I compartmentalize. If things start coming up for me I wall it off in my head and focus on my clients and patients. This works extremely well. The problem is I get home and kinda freak out cause all the levees break in my head. Over time this builds up. When I'm in the moment with people, this question doesn't come to me. It comes to me when I'm forced to be present with my own emotional reactions to tough situations. And sometimes this thought occurs when you just feel defeated and like nothing your doing is making any difference at all.
It's tough this field we're in. You never know if you're going to a get a day where things are going alright and the world seems like an okay place or if it's a day where it's just all gone to hell and we should just stop it somehow before things really get bad. Either way these are the questions I'm often asking myself.
Thanks for reading, friends!