Hello lovely people, 

  It's been a quite a few months since I've written. Life has been quite busy with a lot of good and some not so good things. But I find myself here today which feels nice. I'm just going to jump right into it so buckle up. Trigger warnings for trauma, suicide, and self-injury. Please take care of yourselves. Remember that 988 is available as a resource as a crisis phone and text line for anyone struggling with suicidal thoughts and/or substance use. 

  Earlier this year I experienced something that was traumatic for me. I'm not able to talk about it beyond that except for to one close friend when I have to and my therapist also only when I have to. The aftermath of that experience has created a situation where old ways of coping are showing up mightily. For me, that looks like desire to self-harm. I have struggled on and off with the desire to self harm since I was about 15 years old. I've had both long and short periods of abstinence and engagement, I've tried different methods. I've read books on how to stop, I've been upfront about urges in therapy, I've not wanted to stop even though I know I should, I've actively given up on stopping, I've promised so many times to myself and others to never do it again. I've vowed not to treat myself like others have treated me, and to stop being another person in my life who has harmed me.

   After a particularly serious incident of self-harm a few years ago when I was in treatment, the psychiatrist over my care and I had a long conversation that was very meaningful to me. I'm pretty sure that other people have said what she said to me before but for whatever reason I was primed to hear it at that point. "No more." I remember her words and her sternness. I think what struck me about this interaction with her was the undercurrent of what she was saying. She was telling me to stop like so many others had done before her. Only when other people had done that it felt like they were telling me to stop so that they didn't have to know I was hurting myself (which to me makes it about them), or telling me to stop because I'm a therapist and therapists can't do that, or because I'm acting like a client and not a therapist and I must be confused on which one I want to be. 

    Dr. Caring (pseudonym) telling me to stop was different. Her reasons were that I have been hurt enough, suffered enough, and she won't stand for me being one of the people that abuses me. Her "no more" wasn't about her discomfort with me being a therapist or her discomfort knowing I was in pain, it was about her not tolerating me treating myself so poorly. It hit different. This was impactful. I'd never hurt myself as severely as I did that time and her reaction was understandably very strong. But it was very controlled and I felt like she centered my care in her response, regardless of what her personal reaction to the situation might have been. At that time, I once again committed to putting down self-harming behaviors. It did feel different this time. I couldn't unsee and unfeel and unknow what she had pointed out and the position she had taken. She treated me so sternly but with my well-being as the center of it and from a place of love. I'm still processing how she achieved all of this in her words and demeanor. In a way that I never have before, I committed to being done. 

  I've abstained without difficulty until this year, this year has been excruciatingly challenging. I have and continue to abstain, and that's why it's excruciating. If I was actually engaging my stress level would be so much lower. So far I've been able to not do it because, as my therapist and I put it, I'm trying not to rely on old coping patterns that don't actually serve me. I'm trying to find a new way.

    It's not as easy as it sounds. It's a bit like someone telling you to stop doing something and so you do but then you don't know what to do instead, so you are just frozen, focusing on what not to do. Which, as we all know, does not typically go well. It's been hard to sit with desires to hurt myself and not act on these tugs. I haven't given in but I also haven't really replaced it with anything so unfortunately the suffering is kind of ongoing. (I'm struggling right here because I'm telling myself that "suffering" is too strong of a word and commands too much attention but part of me knows that "suffering" is exactly what I've been doing lately with regard to all this).

    Last night I was pulling some tarot cards with one of my besties. We read cards for each other and process what we think they mean and are speaking to us. It's really lovely, I love her and our time together very much. Anyway, one of my cards posed a couple of questions that I found myself being very curious about. The card itself was all about letting go of old "mental maps" and ways of coping and moving on from past hurts. It was the three of swords reversed if anyone is curious. I decided to do a little writing and then make some art about what I felt like the "answers" to the questions were. The questions were as follows: 

1. In what ways am I suffering? 
2. What am I most sorrowful about? 
3. What can I do to release this pain and learn from it? 

   When I was writing, number 3 was particularly of interest to me. My way of "releasing pain" is to hurt myself. I feel like if I punish myself then I can "forgive" myself. It's like through the pain of the injury I caused I've not only expressed the pain I'm holding but I've also atoned for what I did. Hurting myself is the only way I know how to "let myself off the hook" so to speak. Here's an excerpt from what I wrote in response to #3: 
" 'Release' means 'punishment' and then relief but shame lingers. So is it really "release" when punishment (self-harm) keeps the problem? It's not a release. Release not punish, flow not block, ease not weight, love not shame, heal not hurt." 

  All while doing that I was sort of forming an image in my head because I was to the point where I was ready to transition from writing to sketching. I was just thinking about how self-injury keeps you stuck in a cycle of pressure, then release to relieve pressure, and then pressure builds again so you release again, etc. and all the while shame and damage accumulate because punishment isn't atonement, and the forgiveness isn't real. So this was my finished product from all that: 

          I'm doing training to facilitate Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction classes and other mindfulness classes. The training is actually pretty intense. Anyway, I bring that up to share that my mindfulness practice has actually really helped in the area of self-injury. Lately I've been feeling the pressure and intensity to self-injure and the frustration and, frankly, rage when I won't let myself do it. Last week I was at work and all this was on my mind because self-harming is my instinct when it comes to managing my feelings and what has happened. All of the sudden it occurred to me that I have more than just two options (to either engage in self-harm or abstain from it). I can just back up and notice the intensity of the situation. I can take a step out of it and see it from the other side of the room and notice what a tough position that is to be in. It sucks to feel like you have to make a choice but you don't like either option and they both have different but equal consequences, that's really hard. Somehow this activated some self-compassion and I am not kidding when I say the relief from the intensity was instantaneous. Immediately I felt like a balloon had deflated inside of me and was no longer pushing up against me, ready to pop at any second. 

   I'm so grateful for my friend who's been talking to me about what happened, my therapist, Dr. Caring, my mindfulness teachers, and everyone else who has and does love me and models for me what it's looks like to love me. The fight isn't over but it still makes sense to pause and take stock of all the love in my corner. Love not Shame, Heal not Hurt. 

  Thanks for reading <3 Take care of yourselves, take care of each other. 

 Love to you all, 

 Veronica 

 

Hello, everyone! 

 I hope Spring is being kind to everyone! Minus some pretty scary storms it's actually been a lovely spring here in STL, though I fear it's almost over as the temps are gradually (and some days not so gradually) creeping up. 

  About one month ago I was scrolling instagram and I came across a call for research participants that I thought sounded interesting. An art therapy grad student in Maryland is doing her thesis research on substance-use related deaths and was looking for people who have specifically had that type of loss. The timing was interesting as my Dad's anniversary was nearby and thus on my mind and it had been occurring to me that I needed to talk about his death more and be more open etc. I decided to join the project because I was interested, curious, and looking for community around this experience. (Not to mention I remember extremely well what it's like to be writing a thesis and need research participants). It's a photovoice project so that means that each participant submitted three photos that were to capture/communicate what your experience was with grief following a substance related death and/or something you wish other people knew about your experience of grief following a substance-related death. After everyone submitted their photos and captions we all met on zoom to discuss and categorize the photos according to theme. That was yesterday and it was really interesting. 

  I decided to write this post as a way to share my three photos with all of you as well as have some additional space to process themes I found between my three pics. 

 Here are the three pictures and captions I wrote for each one: 

I came across this tree in the park that I regularly take walks in. The extensive branch network made me think of the human nervous system and also of grief. There are so many twists and turns in grief, so many split paths and off-shoots. I was also drawn to the metaphor that this tree appears to be dead but is surrounded by life, something about that resonated with my grief journey as at times I feel like the world around me is thriving and lush and I am dead and hollow.

I took this photograph while on a walk in a park that I regularly walk in. For reasons that I can't express verbally, this photo captures parts of my grief. The vastness and emptiness soothe the parts of me that yearn for my Dad. There also appears to be something about life beyond death but I would have to give it more thought in order to articulate the notion more fully.

This photo was taken in the Caribbean Sea in November of 2023. At first glance I thought this was the sun, but given the time of day and other factors it is in fact the moon being lit by the sun. This really resonated with me because it's not often, if ever, that the sun and the moon appear interchangeable. In the first moments when I learned of my Dad's passing I felt my world turn upside down. This photo captures that moment to me because the confusion is similar: which is the sun and which is the moon? Which way is up and which is down?

   So yea, those are the three pictures I chose. It was an interesting experience to capture these photos. I struggled to be honest. Nothing was sad enough, had enough agony or despair, was dark and painful enough. A friend helped me realize that no one picture is going to hold all of my grief, and that each photo will only contain parts of it. 

  The first two (of the tree) I took specifically for the project. Of the pictures that I took I was having a hard time coming up with a third to submit so I decided to dig into my archive of photos and find a past one that resonated. I settled on this one. I just remember when I was first told that my Dad had passed I felt the world literally turn. There was something about that that this photo captured for me. 

   One thing that I noticed that I can't stop thinking about is that one of my pictures is of the sun and one is of the moon. I'm not sure what that means? If anything, I suppose. Additionally, the sun and moon often make appearances in my work for about the last 3-4 years. They aren't ever the focus or the subject, but they are nonetheless both present. I have lots of examples but here are the ones I can share: 

My therapist and I made this together in like 2020ish. 

Mountains and valleys painted with coffee, Spring 2022. 

"The Stories We Crave" Watercolor Resist, Spring 2022.

   I used to think that their collective presence in my work was to signify the passing of time. When I apply that to grief I'm not sure how I feel or if it fits? The moon photo was taken in November of last year and the sun was taken in May of this year. I haven't really noticed anything about my grief shifting in that time except that it's grown due to some other things going on in my family. I guess it feels significant to me that I ended up with a photo of each the sun and the moon but I don't know what to make of it? If anyone has any theories I am all ears. I'll have to keep thinking about all of this and processing what it means. If I come up with anything maybe I'll do a part II of this post. 

   Thanks for reading, wishing you love and light <3 

Veronica 

  

 

Hello everyone, 

   One of the things I've explored in therapy adjacently over the years and more directly lately is the idea of asking for help. It's so hard, I hate it. I feel so intensely vulnerable and experience strong waves of self-hatred and shame. It's just really tough. I have made progress, though. For example, I now think of asking for help as an opportunity for connection. And I understand that I've hurt people by not asking them for their support when I needed it and they were willing to give it. It's still hard to do, very hard, but I've really worked to change the frame around it and treat myself the way I would treat anyone else.  

   The last time I went home I had a revelation about asking for help. That's just not something my family does. In my family you vaguely state your need and then wait until someone volunteers to help you. For example, if I need a ride to the airport I would say "Next week I am going out of town." And then wait for someone to say "Oh do you need a ride to the airport?" And if they don't offer me a ride to the airport, I would turn up and say "Next week I'm going out of town and I guess I'll just part at the airport." And get more and more intense with it until someone offers. It's like we're supposed to anticipate each others needs in this way and then try to sort it out even though no one has technically asked anyone for anything. Feelings get hurt over this. If no one offers to help you feel rejected and like you aren't important. The more I thought about it, the fact that my family doesn't ask for help, the more examples I came up with and the more I saw it in our relationships and family dynamics, both past and present. I've made a serious commitment to ending this. I think it's unrealistic and unfair to expect people to anticipate my needs such that I never need to ask for anything. Additionally, it's not how I want to treat people or myself. I find it a twinge passive aggressive to be honest. It goes against pretty much  all of my values about relationships, connection, and intimacy. 

   This next part is hard to get through. Today is the anniversary of my dad's death. It's been fourteen long years since he passed away. Sometimes people ask me if it gets any easier as time goes on and I usually say no. Today I was thinking about what has changed over the years and honestly it just gets sadder and my grief grows. The further away I get from the version of myself that I was when he died the more I feel like he's out of my life. I often wonder if he'd even recognize me now. Even though I think it's a good thing that I've changed over the years there's part of me that would prefer to stay just as I was when he passed so that he'll always know me and life won't go on without him.  

I made this about 10 days ago. I was just thinking about the anticipation of today and decided to draw/paint. When my Dad passed away I promised him I would be brave. (More about that in my post on going to Peru and Bolivia in 2018). Anyway, as I was making this I was listening to a song and one of the lines was "I will be brave" and that really resonated so I included it and re-committed to that promise. I feel like one thing I need to be brave about now is asking for help. It's hard, it's risky, and it doesn't feel good. But I promised to be brave. 

   My Dad passed away at 52 due to complications with one of his major organs. An organ that someone in his situation would go through the process of applying for an organ donation. When he died he was in the process of getting listed to receive a donation. The thing is, none of us knew any of this. Not me, my brothers, nor my grandparents. He needed a new organ and the chances that one of us were potentially a match feels likely, but this possibility was never considered because we didn't know. He never let us know or asked us. Because he couldn't ask for help. I cannot express to you the agony I've experienced over the years knowing there's a chance I could have saved his life but that he kind of took that from us by not asking. Knowing that he could still be here today, with a piece of me or one of us standing in for what his body could no longer do. It kills me. It is absolutely gut-wrenching to me that he was so impacted emotionally that he couldn't ask for our help. It hurts. (Just so you know, I am leaving out some pieces of the story to protect my family's privacy. If it seems like I'm making some leaps about what he was thinking or feeling that's probably why.) 

   I made this this morning while contemplating all of this. I did the center first, I've really been enjoying blending peaches and pinks and then I did the background yellow for my Dad. Yellow was his favorite color. 

  Thank you for reading this, it means a lot to me. Hope you are happy, well, and enjoying spring. 

With love,

  Veronica  

    

   

 

 Hello, everyone! 

Welcome to my blog and thanks for being here! I thought I would do an introductory post just to explain what this blog will even be about and why I'm keeping it. If you follow me on instagram some of this won't be new to you :) 

   Basically I am looking for two things with this blog: one is to have an additional space to process my work with my therapist which includes the artwork I made in or for therapy. I'm an art therapist who sees an art therapist so there is a lot of art in production at any given point. The second thing is that I'm looking to be more connected and open with my people (that's you). Connection is intimidating to me and I'm hoping sharing in this format is a way to feel more connected without the overwhelm of doing so. 

   I'm trusting you to hold my dual identity as a provider of therapy and participant in therapy. Please know that as a therapist it is my top priority to provide excellent care and I take this very seriously. For me, providing great care starts with caring for myself which includes whole-heartedly engaging in deep, intense, and rigorous self-reflection. That's where my own personal therapy and my artwork come in. Please also know that I don't identify as an artist and am not particularly interested in doing so. When people ask me if I'm an artist I say "I make art to be okay." I just want to share my work and connect with you. 

   There's one last thing for you to know. At any point you are welcome to respond to me by leaving a comment, emailing me, or even texting and calling. Of course that is not my expectation. Please know that  I sometimes (meaning always) have vulnerability hangovers after sharing and this can delay me in getting back to people who may have reached out. I deeply appreciate you taking the time to respond or reach out, I just sometimes freak out a little after sharing and then I'm not able to get back to you until I get over that. Just know that it has nothing to do with you or your message, it's definitely just me. 

   Before diving into some artwork please also know that it's more important for you to care for yourself than it is for you to read/view anything of mine. There's some heavy stuff happening in my life and I want to share that with you but not at the expense of you. So just know you can opt out of entries if it feels intense. Take care of yourselves. 

I made this a few weeks ago to reflect the overwhelming sadness that accompanies healing from abuse. It's intense and very painful. I think she looks rather dead but my therapist pointed out that her heart, while broken, is very vibrant and alive-looking. Given what I had going on at the time it's curious to me that she is both alive and dead. 

"Still here." I made this on the other side of a very rough week. This one is example of how much pain you can be in but still find hope. Based on my mood and mental space when starting this one I never would have guessed that something this hopeful and light would be the outcome. Art therapy is amazing that way. 

This one includes a line from a Lewis Capaldi song I've been listening to on repeat. "Your love I'm lost in, even though I'm noting to you now." This one is about my struggle to feel important to my therapist between therapy sessions. I just feel so alone between sessions and like I don't even matter to her. Over the years this waxes and wanes for me. We talk about it when it comes up. I think it's just part of my attachment wound. Another line in this song is "there must be something in the water" and I think that influenced this piece as well. 

Thanks for reading. Sending you love <3 

Veronica 

 

Hi all! 

 It's been a while since I've written but here we are! Tomorrow marks three months here in Kotzebue so I thought I'd pause and reflect on how things have been and how I've been feeling. 

   Homesickness and loneliness have kind of been the name of the game for the last few weeks. I've done an okay job of meeting people here and getting to know my coworkers and stuff but I still just miss my friends in STL. I'm actually tentatively planning a trip there in the spring. I just really want to see everyone. 

  I've taken a couple of trips to Anchorage over the last month. One of those was very fun and one was not so fun. The first trip was the not so fun one. My flight was cancelled and then once I got there I missed my train so all in all it was kind of a waste of money and a long weekend. I was pretty disappointed about it. The one good thing that came of it is that I finally have a fully functioning phone instead of two half functioning phones. That was and remains pretty exciting. I feel so much more connected to people being able to text throughout the day and send pictures and stuff. 

  My second trip to Anchorage was just last weekend and it was awesome. I decided to go for the Women's March on Oct 2 to protect abortion rights. I was texting with a friend about it and she offered to come up and meet me in Anchorage and spend the weekend together which was very, very thoughtful of her. So that's what we did, and we had a great time! Here are some pictures: 

   

  Anchorage is really, really beautiful. It's an awesome city to visit. My mom and I are planning a trip there for late February which I am super excited about. I've never been on a winter vacation before so it will be different but I am really excited. I mostly have the whole trip planned out and I found some really awesome stuff for us to do, I'll keep you guys posted on that as it gets closer. 

  Things with work continue to go well. All of the sudden I have a lot of kids on my caseload which is a little different for me. I like it though, they usually take really well to the art making and that's my favorite kind of work so no complaints from me. I do have a decent amount of adults so it all balances out nicely. I do miss the intensity of seeing people more than once per week, I'm still adjusting to this outpatient lifestyle. 

  Even though it feels like winter to me fall is definitely here. Temps are in the 30s which is not terrible but sometimes the "feels like" is as low as 14 which IS terrible. I know, I know I'm in for a rude awakening. In the actual winter it gets down to as low as -60. So yea, not looking forward to walking to work in that. Before it got cold I was feeling prepared for winter and now I'm not so sure. 

  Still no bear sightings but I have seen some seals as well as a couple of cute foxes. I am happy about not seeing any bears, it's actually become my biggest fear. The foxes are fun to watch, they are a very curious and playful. I had no idea. 

 Well friends that's about all I have for you. The next big thing I have coming up is going home to Atlanta for the holidays which I am really looking forward to. I miss everyone and everything so much more than I thought I would. I really wish there was time on that trip to stop in STL but I just don't know how realistic that is. 

 My birthday is at the end of this month. I plan to go to the hotel here (the only place you can have a sit down meal) and order a fancy dinner. My work gave me an amazon gift card for my bday so I'm also going to order myself a wood burner and all the associated tools. I've decided to make wood burning one of my winter hobbies. My other winter hobbies are reading, needle felting, book club, and reading tarot cards. :) 

  Hope you all are staying safe and doing well! I miss you! 

Veronica 

   

  

 

Hi everyone! As always I hope this post finds you doing well! 

  It has been a rough couple of weeks around here for me. For whatever reason I've just been really homesick. I don't even know where home is but I know that I miss it. And I know that this new place doesn't feel like home yet. I suppose for it to feel like home at this point is a bit too much to ask since it's only been 7 weeks. It definitely feels longer than that but objectively I know 7 weeks is not a lot of time. 

  Anyway, today I got to do something really fun which was go blue berry picking up on the tundra. Berry picking has been going on for thousands of years around here and the natives are total pros. They're also pros at making things from the berries. 

 Of course I took some pictures so I could show everyone. 

Above is the tundra and this is where all the berries grow. Currently it's blueberry season. It's very expansive and very serene. You do have to look out for bears though so it's hard to get into a meditative head space but it is beautiful. 

    This is another pic of the tundra but it's a little closer view of the ground and vegetation. One of the tricky things about the tundra is that the ground is very soft. It's kind of like walking in wet sand, if you stand in any one place for too long you'll start to sink and each step you take you are definitely sinking into the ground. It's very uneven and easy to roll your ankle or lose your balance. 

    They don't call it "foraging for berries" for nothing. The berries surprisingly blend very well with the surrounding vegetation and you have to get real low to the ground to see them or find them. (I found this stressful as I have a real fear of bears). Anyway, the benefit to being so close to the ground is that you can smell the wonderful tundra smell. I know that sounds nuts but it's honestly the best. It's sweet but also earthy smelling. It's the best. 

   One of my coworkers told me he'd never seen anyone with matching jacket and boots. I told him I was happy to be that person for him :) 

Above & below are some berries before I picked them!

 They are smaller compared to the store bought berries but they taste so much better! 

Another pic of the tundra and the nearby lake! 

I did pretty okay for it being my second time! Here's my yield: 

 Here they are all washed and leaf and twig free ready for me to make muffins!

This is what washing berries does to your hands: 

All in all it was a great experience and I had a great time. It definitely repaired my first experience berry picking which was a low-key disaster. It was super hot out, I was wearing the wrong clothes and shoes, I didn't find any berries (I didn't look that hard to be honest), and I threw up when I got home because I drank too much water too quickly because it was so hot. 

Tonight I am trying to stay up late because supposedly if I do I will see the northern lights!!! Ahhh!!! I'm SO excited! 

Hope everyone has a great weekend! 

Veronica 

 

    Hi, everyone!!! 

   I hope you everyone is doing well! I decided to write a post sharing a little bit more about my work because I haven't really talked about work very much on here. It's one of the bigger reasons I moved here to so I figured it's time to include it! 

   I work as an art therapist for a counseling center affiliated with the local hospital here in town. It's essentially a community mental health setting which is very different than what I was doing before (residential and PHP care for eating disorders). The clinic I work for also does outpatient substance use and IOP substance use care, although I don't work on the substance use team. I have dreams of starting an art therapy group for the substance use IOP once all the groups are back in person though! I think that would be really fun!

   So my job title is "Itinerant Therapist" and I got to do the "itinerant" part of that last week when I traveled out to one of the villages in our service area via bush plane. Our service area is about the size of the state of Illinois and includes 12 villages that are only accessible by bush plane. When a village has a tough week or crisis/tragedy strikes some of the therapists will travel out to the village to provide support and psychological first aid to the community. So that's what I did last week for the first time. I didn't say too much about during that post but it was an awesome experience. After the trip I was having all of these feelings that all of that schooling and hard work I did was totally worth it for moments like talking with the community members. It was an awesome feeling.  It just brought me back to why I wanted to be a therapist to begin with. And, I got to be traveling on my dad's birthday which if you know me you know is something I always try to do to honor his memory and our relationship. 

  On Friday I moved into a new office! There are multiple good things about my new space, one is that I have a closet which is perfect for storing all my art supplies. The second thing, and probably my favorite, drumroll please, is that I have a window with a view of the sea! Yay! 

       On the really clear days (not what we've been having lately) you can see the mountains across the sea. You can kind of see them in the pic above but on the clear days you can really see them, like this: (The quality of this pic isn't great but you get the idea) 

   Anyways, life in Alaska is pretty good. The homesickness has subsided, I'm learning to live with the midnight sun (helped tremendously by black out curtains lol), and now my focus is just on my building a life here and making new friends. Not easy during a pandemic but my coworkers are great. 

Until next time! 

  Veronica 

 

     

  

 hey everyone, 

 So the other day I took my first work trip! I have been looking forward to riding in a bush plane and it was awesome! 

Here's the plane we took, it seats around 7 people. I think it can seat more if needed but they tend to move the seats around to make room for all of the cargo. I'll be honest, I was a little nervous about being in such a small plane but the views were so amazing that I pretty quickly forgot all about it. 

Here's the inside of the plane! The inside has one longer row of seats and a shorter row. Behind the shortest row is where they put boxes of mail and other things that are being delivered to the village. 

The flight was only about half an hour and as I mentioned already it was beautiful! 

The village that we were visiting was very quaint and sweet. It was inland from Kotzebue so a little bit chillier than I was expecting but nothing too cold. The village is located just off of a river and so it's very marshy. I'm guessing that's why the whole town is basically on stilts. There aren't roadways through the town, there's this boardwalk-y type path that goes all over. It looks like this: 

There aren't any cars either, just boats and 4-wheelers! Once we got there we met the clinic staff and put all of your stuff away and then we headed out to meet the villagers! "Eskimo" is considered an offensive term. I call them people in the villages, natives, or native alaskans. 

All in all it was an awesome trip. I traveled with one of my co-workers and I really enjoyed getting to know her. I felt like we made a good team too. She was really great at engaging people and initiating conversation which is something I feel like I'm not so good at. I can't wait for the next one! 

 

Hello, everyone! 

     I'll start by saying that I don't feel like I have that much to say. The last week has been sort of difficult, I've been homesick and work just isn't taking off yet so it's been a little harder of a week. I'm writing anyway because I don't want anyone to be under the illusion that this move is all bunnies and rainbows all the time. (Although one could argue it IS rainbows all the time since the sun never sets). Traveling and moving isn't all glamorous all the time, even though it's sort of vulnerable to admit when it's hard. 

   The last couple of days have been rather eventful around here (relatively, anyway). I got internet at home (yay!) and my groceries that I ordered online got delivered. Getting internet was a bit of a process. I guess some wiring needed to be done so it took several days but on Thursday I got a call that my modem was ready to pick up. When I went to pick it up on Friday the lady (who was very nice) hands me this:

Just like that, not in a box or with a bag or any instructions or anything. Just a piece of equipment with a sticky note with my name on it. Internally I was like "so, this is the internet?" But I didn't say anything, I just thanked her and walked back to work. My expectations were extremely low but I got home and plugged it in and what do you know, it works! I feel a lot better having internet at home because now I can use my phone, watch Netflix, and stay more connected to you lovely people. 

I picked up my groceries from the airport this afternoon! Including all the miscellaneous fees from the store, the groceries themselves, and the charges from the airline it came to about $200. If I had grocery shopped at the AC (local grocery store) it would have been around $325 or so for everything that I got so fees and all I came out ahead. I think ordering this way is going to be part of my system. The only issue is fitting all of that food into my mini-fridge in my apartment. When I have a non-mini fridge and freezer and I can stock up even more and stretch my dollars when it comes to all the fees. 

    I was FaceTiming with a friend earlier and we came to the conclusion today that I need blackout curtains. I have a little lavender scented eye pillow I've been covering my eyes with to sleep but I get hot and then I toss it off or I roll over and it falls off and then the sun wakes me up and then I'm not getting good sleep which makes me grumpy when I wake up. Black out curtains it is! I had no idea how much my body needs for it to be dark outside to go to bed. It's been a challenge for sure! I feel like a toddler trying to go to bed every night, I just keep arguing with myself that it isn't bedtime because it is still light out. It is getting darker between like 2am and 4am so that's a start. 

    

  Here's a mandala I made to reflect on two weeks of being here. My therapist told me to make more art (typical) and I knew I needed to reflect on my time here in order to move through these feelings so there you go. I did it. The stars represent the Alaska state flag. I think the part I am the most curious about is the bubbles in the top left, those are interesting to me. 

  

Even though my little apartment is quite messy that's just how it is so here are some pictures. It won't ever not be this way so I decided to go ahead and share. The only thing not pictures is the closet which to floor-to-ceiling boxes so I'll let you use your imagination on that one lol. 

  

    

    

    The last thing that I have to share is that it's difficult not to have a car. I'm not really a fan of walking everywhere although it is kind of empowering to be that self-sufficient. Mostly it's hard not to have a car because I feel so stuck here on this little almost-island. To the point that I'm feeling kind of claustrophobic-ish? It's just that no matter where I've lived before I could technically get in a car and go home, even most of the places I've traveled. It might take forever, but it's possible. I'm so far away from home here, and the only way out is to fly. I'm surprised by how much this bothers me but it is on my mind quite a lot. To help cope with this, and for other reasons, I'm spending Labor Day weekend in Anchorage. I'm really excited! Just from the airport it looks absolutely stunning so I'm really excited to visit and actually get to spend some time there. Plus I need a new phone so there's that too haha. 

  I hope you all have a lovely rest of your weekend! 

Veronica 

 

Hello from Alaska, everyone!

 

So, where to start?! My journey to Alaska started in Atlanta where I’d been for a few weeks hanging out with friends and family in the area. Friday night I flew to Seattle and then Saturday morning I flew through Anchorage (pictured below) and to Kotzebue. It was a very early morning and I landed in Kotzebue around lunchtime. My flights were fine, long but uneventful. I’ve been here almost a week and it feels like people want an update so here we go!

            Two sweet co-workers met at me at the airport and helped get me settled that afternoon. We grabbed the boxes I had shipped and got them over to my temporary apartment and they took me to the grocery store. Y’all, rural Alaska grocery prices are no joke, more about that later. My apartment is a cute little mini-studio with a washer and dryer. Currently my boxes are occupying the space that’s supposed to be the closet. It’s temporary because I am waiting for a one bedroom to become available!

 

Alright so here are the things that surprised me the most:

#1 No cell reception
That’s right, my phone doesn’t work. It works in Anchorage but not out here. Fortunately one of my co-workers is letting me borrow and old phone of his. I bought a sim card for it so I currently have my Alaska phone and my iPhone, which I can only use when connected to wifi. I thought the wifi was more widely available but it is not! Anyway, I’m not sure that two phones is my permanent solution but it’s working for now.

 

#2 The heat  

When you move to a place above the Arctic Circle you kind of expect to never be hot again. WRONG. When the sun is out it is HOT. And unless it’s cloudy, the sun is out all the time. You’ve heard that Alaska is the land of the midnight sun, right? It’s true. The sun does not set here for a few months. It doesn’t even get that dark. 2am looks like 2pm, it’s pretty trippy. It’s significantly cooler in the shade (which there is very little of because there are not trees) or otherwise outside of the sun but if the sun is out it is quite warm during these summer months. Obviously that will change as the seasons wear on.

 

#3 The mosquitos

They are huge! One of my co-workers who is from Alabama refers to them as “dragons” and I totally get why. The things are huge and hungry. If it’s warm out you can expect to be swarmed. They bite through your clothes and appear unaffected by repellent as far as I can tell. Being from the south I thought I’d seen it all in terms of mosquitos but that was not true at all. (Hopefully I have now, I can’t imagine it getting worse than this).

 

            Other notable things that I did this week are get a PO Box here in Kotz, submit an application to get internet at home, and figure out how to order groceries online. I’ll have to do a grocery haul for you guys but the groceries here are at best double if not triple normal prices. In the lower 48 I exclusively shop for groceries at Aldi so you can imagine my sticker shock at the prices here. For me it’s just not tenable so I needed to figure out an alternative solution. A co-worker told me about doing a bush order from a store called Fred Meyer. Apparently Mr. Meyer will deliver groceries to the airport via bush plane from Anchorage, even perishables. Even with the taxes and associated fees it’s still less expensive than shopping at the AC (local grocery store) so I’m in. I submitted my first order via email last night. I don’t think I can describe just how strange it was to grocery shop this way!

 

            Work has been pretty boring to be honest. It won’t always be this way, it’s just that the first while is a lot of onboarding and boring HR stuff. Things will pick up once I start working with clients, which I am really excited for. I talked this week with a supervisor and we discussed what my interests are clinically and what kind of clients I work best with, etc. It was a good conversation and I’m excited to get started!

 

            The first few days of being here felt more like a trip than anything else, just like a temporary thing where I’d eventually return to my apartment in St. Louis.  Around day 3-4 is when I started getting what I can only describe as homesick. That’s also when the midnight sun started interrupting my sleep. It wasn’t homesickness in the nostalgic, longing for home kind of way. It was more that the reality of just how far away I was from home was setting in, as was the decision to move here. I a little bit went down the road of “what have I done?” but I figured I was only feeling that way because I felt so disconnected from the world without my phone. I made a few phone calls and within a few hours I was feeling much better. I’ve noticed I’m the loneliest after work, around 6pm Alaska time which is 10pm on the east coast and 9pm for St. Louis so it’s on the later side which is a little difficult. My pillows arrived today and they smell like home, wherever that is. 

 

            The week has had its highs and lows but overall has been fine. It’s nice to live close to the water. I always wanted to live by the ocean. To be fair I never thought it would be in the Arctic but never say never J Below are some pictures of sea and the little lagoon by my building. Enjoy! 

Until next time everyone, 

Veronica <3